Three dirty secrets

I'm not ignorant. Just lazy, thank you.

I care about our planet. I really do. I would like to live a nice long life that does not involve a floating house (unless it's the one pictured). I’d also like my kid to be able to stay here and not be one of those losers heading to Mars.

But sometimes I do stuff that I know I shouldn't. These three are the worst.

I don’t use recycled toilet paper

I know. I'm awful. And I can't even blame it on my parents. I grew up in a recycled TP household, back when people barely knew what it was. My mother special-ordered it, from a catalog, in bulk. So that should give you some idea of the kind of household I grew up in. Maybe you even feel sorry for me now. I'll take it.

So why do I wipe my ass with bleached-white virgin-timber-sourced quilted  two-ply, when I can easily find the recycled stuff at our neighborhood store? Because I like it. Specifically, I like the puppy brand. It’s like the bear kind, but a little cheaper.

I drive an SUV

This one really tickles my mother, who likes to remind me of my plan to bumper-sticker SUV drivers in the Mollie Stone parking lot, back in my idealistic and somewhat destructive youth. But that was then. I've since sold my ideals to pay for premium toilet paper.

Then two years ago I drove my mother in law’s Honda CRV, and it was really fun, and I’ve never had a nice car ever, and besides we hardly even drive it. I bike practically everywhere, except to work and to the store and stuff.

I throw out ziplock bags

There was a time when I would lovingly turn each soiled baggie inside-out and scrub until it squeaked, then prop them one by one on the counter to dry.

Then one day I found myself in a filthy house, wearing a puke-stained shirt, comforting a crying baby in one hand and washing a used Ziploc bag in the other. I may or may not have been crying myself. And it suddenly occurred to me that I could simply turn around and place the dirty bag in the garbage. People did that, didn’t they? Yes, they did. And now so do I.

And these aren’t all

I’ve been known to eat McDonalds, buy stuff at chain stores, and when our tub gets really nasty I use bleach. Or actually I make my husband do it because it’s really bad for you.

I KNOW these are unsustainable practices, but here’s the thing: I reason our planet is fucked anyway, and I’m not willing to spend our last good years hand-washing plastic bags and wiping my butt with sandpaper.

Is that so wrong?